All of Me

It’s honesty hour. I have a confession to make. I am really good at saying to Jesus, “Okay, you can have this part of my time; this part of my day; this part of my life; this part of my heart.” I put Him in a box and open it on Thursdays at Bible Study, Sundays at church, whenever I need something, or whenever it is convenient. Although there are some parts of my life that I find easy to surrender to Him, there are others that I just have the hardest time opening my grasp and letting go.

The truth is, Jesus wants all of me; not just some of me. Why is that so hard? After all, He paid the ultimate sacrifice on the cross for my sins; I owe Him everything, and yet, here I am trying to control my life and follow my own plans.

I recently read this really good book that I briefly mentioned in a previous post called Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. In it, he talks about being a true follower of Jesus versus just being an adoring fan and it was really convicting for me. Through reading this book, I learned that “Jesus makes it clear that He will not share [my] affection. Following Him requires [my] whole heart,” (Idleman, p. 59). This really got me thinking, who/what am I trying to make Jesus share my affection with? What am I placing as equal or more important than Jesus? Is it school? My future plans? My peers? Unfortunately, if I honestly answer these questions, it is often all of the above. I work so hard trying to do well in school and spend so much time stressing over grades that I let school get in the way of my relationship with Jesus. I’m not saying that doing well in school is not important; it is, but it should never come before Him. Seeing that I graduate in May and will no longer have the safe haven that is college, I have been freaking out about my future plans, where I will live, where I will teach, how I am going to pay bills, etc, and I totally get myself worked up about it sometimes without even thinking to talk to Jesus about my fears and ultimately trusting Him with my future. One more thing that I so often place above Jesus is my peers. I am such a people pleaser and have this intense desire for everyone to like me. I have struggled so hard throughout college trying to make sure that people think that I am cool, when in reality, what really matters is whether or not my actions are pleasing to God.

Not only do I often put school, my future, and my peers above the Lord, I have also found through some introspection that I am selfish with my time and money. I spend my time and money doing things that make me comfortable and serve me rather than God. I can spend hours watching a silly show on T.V., but am so quick to say that I do not have time to go to church this week or read my Bible, or whatever it may be. I can spend $10 on dinner when I have groceries at home, but am “too broke” to put $10 in the offering plate at church to support missions. Why? Why do I do this? Every time I spend time with Jesus, I feel so refreshed and renewed, so why do I so often fill my time and spend my money on earthly things that really don’t mean anything when I could be spending my time worshipping the King and spending that money supporting His people doing His work overseas or feeding the homeless or clothing the orphans? It is because I am so often filled with me and what I want rather than being filled with the Holy Spirit. “The only way to be filled with the Spirit is to empty myself of me,” (Idleman, p. 95).

Luke 9:23 states, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself daily and follow me.” To follow Jesus, I have to give Him everything, not just some things. I must deny my own earthly desires and do what He has called me to do. Honestly, it is the least I can do for someone who saved my life all those years ago. I love Jesus and have a desire to follow Him because He first loved me. When I put it into perspective like that, following Jesus is a no-brainer to me.

To summarize, Jesus wants all of me. He wants my time, my day, my life, my whole heart. He wants my joys, my sorrows, my struggles, my plans. He wants me to fully trust Him. He desires that I worship Him, love Him, and spend time with Him. I must choose Jesus over everything…over school, over my future plans, over my peers, over my family, over absolutely everything. Although it sounds scary, everything He does is good and perfect, which means I am in good hands.

This has just been on my heart for a while now, so I thought I would share.

Yours Truly,

Steph