All of Me

It’s honesty hour. I have a confession to make. I am really good at saying to Jesus, “Okay, you can have this part of my time; this part of my day; this part of my life; this part of my heart.” I put Him in a box and open it on Thursdays at Bible Study, Sundays at church, whenever I need something, or whenever it is convenient. Although there are some parts of my life that I find easy to surrender to Him, there are others that I just have the hardest time opening my grasp and letting go.

The truth is, Jesus wants all of me; not just some of me. Why is that so hard? After all, He paid the ultimate sacrifice on the cross for my sins; I owe Him everything, and yet, here I am trying to control my life and follow my own plans.

I recently read this really good book that I briefly mentioned in a previous post called Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. In it, he talks about being a true follower of Jesus versus just being an adoring fan and it was really convicting for me. Through reading this book, I learned that “Jesus makes it clear that He will not share [my] affection. Following Him requires [my] whole heart,” (Idleman, p. 59). This really got me thinking, who/what am I trying to make Jesus share my affection with? What am I placing as equal or more important than Jesus? Is it school? My future plans? My peers? Unfortunately, if I honestly answer these questions, it is often all of the above. I work so hard trying to do well in school and spend so much time stressing over grades that I let school get in the way of my relationship with Jesus. I’m not saying that doing well in school is not important; it is, but it should never come before Him. Seeing that I graduate in May and will no longer have the safe haven that is college, I have been freaking out about my future plans, where I will live, where I will teach, how I am going to pay bills, etc, and I totally get myself worked up about it sometimes without even thinking to talk to Jesus about my fears and ultimately trusting Him with my future. One more thing that I so often place above Jesus is my peers. I am such a people pleaser and have this intense desire for everyone to like me. I have struggled so hard throughout college trying to make sure that people think that I am cool, when in reality, what really matters is whether or not my actions are pleasing to God.

Not only do I often put school, my future, and my peers above the Lord, I have also found through some introspection that I am selfish with my time and money. I spend my time and money doing things that make me comfortable and serve me rather than God. I can spend hours watching a silly show on T.V., but am so quick to say that I do not have time to go to church this week or read my Bible, or whatever it may be. I can spend $10 on dinner when I have groceries at home, but am “too broke” to put $10 in the offering plate at church to support missions. Why? Why do I do this? Every time I spend time with Jesus, I feel so refreshed and renewed, so why do I so often fill my time and spend my money on earthly things that really don’t mean anything when I could be spending my time worshipping the King and spending that money supporting His people doing His work overseas or feeding the homeless or clothing the orphans? It is because I am so often filled with me and what I want rather than being filled with the Holy Spirit. “The only way to be filled with the Spirit is to empty myself of me,” (Idleman, p. 95).

Luke 9:23 states, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself daily and follow me.” To follow Jesus, I have to give Him everything, not just some things. I must deny my own earthly desires and do what He has called me to do. Honestly, it is the least I can do for someone who saved my life all those years ago. I love Jesus and have a desire to follow Him because He first loved me. When I put it into perspective like that, following Jesus is a no-brainer to me.

To summarize, Jesus wants all of me. He wants my time, my day, my life, my whole heart. He wants my joys, my sorrows, my struggles, my plans. He wants me to fully trust Him. He desires that I worship Him, love Him, and spend time with Him. I must choose Jesus over everything…over school, over my future plans, over my peers, over my family, over absolutely everything. Although it sounds scary, everything He does is good and perfect, which means I am in good hands.

This has just been on my heart for a while now, so I thought I would share.

Yours Truly,

Steph

A Thank You to My Dad

This past weekend was my last dad’s weekend for my sorority, so for the third year in a row, my dad (and mom) came down to Texas to spend time with me. He was so excited for the weekend and had me sign us up for all the things. We went to a brewery, a tailgate, a football game (Go Frogs), and skeet shooting together. He opened doors for me, paid for my gas, took me to dinner, and just did a lot of little things that seem insignificant, but really meant a lot to me. Preparing for the weekend and reflecting on it afterwards, I really did some thinking about how blessed I am to have such an amazing father, role model, and lifelong friend.

Ever since I was little, I have been “Daddy’s Little Princess.” My mom used to joke that when my dad was deployed or TDY with the United States Air Force when I was really young, she would wait for my head to spin around at the same time each day because I was mad that he did not come through the front door like I thought he was supposed to. I was too young to understand that he was out fighting for our country. Even though my dad was gone quite a bit in my early years, when he was home, he was there for the family, fully engaged.

I have so many special memories with my dad from my childhood because he spent so much quality time with me. When I was in second grade, my dad would schedule his lunch to be the same time as mine and would come check me out of school a couple times a month and take me to Sonic before returning me back to school. We would get to talk and laugh just him and me, without the distractions of my younger siblings at home. I cherish these memories still to this day. He may not have realized back then the impact those lunch dates would have on me, but I learned so much about his love for me during those 30-45 minutes.

My dad loves to coach and teach people how to do things that are challenging, and he does it with so much joy and patience. He taught me how to ride a bike, coached all of my sports teams in elementary and middle school, helped me train for a triathlon when I was only seven years old, and has been teaching me how to skeet shoot for the past three years now.

Teaching me to ride a bike was no easy task. When I was in Kindergarten, he first tried to teach me, but after many failed attempts, he decided it was best to wait until I was just a little bit bigger. The next year, right before I entered first grade, he spent a day or two holding my seat and helping me stay balanced, dusting me off when I crashed into the mailbox and encouraging me to try again, and then I got it. I honestly don’t know who was more proud; him or me. Once I knew how to ride a bike with no training wheels, we spent nearly every evening riding bikes together in the trails; sometimes we had my siblings with us, sometimes we did not. We spent time together enjoying nature and being physically active. Not even a year after I mastered the art of riding a bike, my dad and I were training for a triathlon. I actually won second place the summer before second grade after crashing into another kid while swimming, choking on water, and wanting to give up. My dad encouraged me to finish, and I did, and even placed. This was a crucial life lesson he taught me without really realizing it at the time. Because he encouraged me to finish the race, I now (almost) always finish what I start, even if it is challenging, even if I get knocked down a time or two.

In case you didn’t know, I am the least coordinated, least athletic, clumsiest kid in my family by a long shot. My dad did not care. When I decided to play basketball, he signed up to coach. He did the same when I decided I wanted to play softball and soccer as well. For about seven years, my dad was either the coach or assistant coach of my teams. Through playing sports, I learned about sportsmanship, teamwork, tenacity, and hard work. He believed in me so much that I did things I thought I would never be able to do, like be one of the go-to pitchers on my 6^th grade softball team, or make three-pointers, or even be a goalie. My dad always coached, taught, and watched me with so much joy and pride, always encouraging me and spending time practicing with me to help me get better at whatever skill I was working on. Because my dad cheered me on and coached my teams, I became less clumsy, more athletic, gained stamina, balance, and confidence, and improved my coordination.

Now…the skeet shooting. It’s a thing we do every dad’s weekend and my dad always gets super excited about it. He takes the time to help everyone in our group learn how to hold, load, and shoot the gun, as well as how to aim and how to stand. I am not exaggerating when I say I am SO BAD at this. He often has to remind me to shoot with my eyes open. Even though I am not a quick learner when it comes to this, he is still so excited to teach me, and we bond over it every year.

Although all of these things my dad and I have done together have helped me gain confidence and learn important life skills, the overarching theme is the love he shows me each and every day. I used to completely and totally take him for granted because I thought everyone had a dad that did these kinds of things with them, but I eventually realized that my dad is pretty special. When he had free time when I was growing up, he selflessly chose to spend it with my siblings and me rather than doing whatever he wanted, which is pretty incredible. Watching his face light up every time I come home or he gets to come down to Texas is completely and totally heart warming. I do not know what I did to deserve such a dad. God blessed me more than words when He gave me such a giving, caring, loving Earthly father. I thank God every day for my dad.

So, dad, thank you for being my hero, my knight in shining armor, my first love. Thank you for showing me how I deserve to be loved by a man. Thank you for loving my siblings, my mom, and me. Thank you for teaching me and showing me how to love Jesus, and how Jesus loves me. Thank you for instilling a fierce love for America in me. Thank you for being there for me. And thank you for being you. I love you more than words can express.

Yours Truly,

Steph