Broken and Beautiful

Hey Friends! It’s hard to believe that it has been almost a full year since I have written, so bear with me as I summarize the past eleven months and give an update on where I am right now. Currently, I am about halfway through the fall semester of my senior year of college, which is equal parts exciting and terrifying as I begin student teaching in January and will (hopefully) be a real life teacher this time next year, but more on that in a bit.

Before I dive into where I am now and what I think my plans are moving forward, I want to share with you some things that took place over the past eleven months. Honestly, it has probably been the rockiest year of my life. 

Rewind

On December 1, 2015 at around 10:00 PM I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my grandpa was on the way to the hospital after having what they thought was a minor heart attack. She reassured me that he would be fine and she just wanted me to know, so I went to bed. The next morning, my phone just so happened to be on vibrate (it is usually completely silenced, especially when I am sleeping) and it rang at 7 AM. My heart stopped. My grandpa suffered a massive heart attack at the hospital and had not made it. I hit the floor, sobbing, confused, angry. How could this happen? He was only 66 and still had a 15-year-old daughter at home. He was healthy. How could God do this to us? I pulled myself together and went to my 8 AM class, then to my 12 PM class, then nannied. I finished out my week as normally as possible, attended the funeral, and tried to be strong. There were two weeks left in the semester, so I just went about my daily life as normal, took my finals, and maintained my hard-earned GPA. When I went home for Christmas break, I had this weird misconception that I had to be strong for everyone else around me, therefore I did not really allow myself to grieve my grandfather’s death…until I came back to school in January.

My Junior spring semester proved to be much more challenging than I had expected and I was dealing with an inexplicable sadness. Honestly I was terrible at dealing with big emotions. I have always been good at being happy, mad, annoyed, etc., but I had never really dealt with the heart stopping, breath-catching constant devastation, and for lack of a better phrase, ended up being a “shit show” that semester. I was mad at God, would not admit to myself that something was off, and did not talk to anyone about my feelings for the longest time, so I started partying like never before. All I was doing was masking the pain by trying to “have fun.” No one really thought much of it at first because I showed up to class, was performing well academically, and my actions did not really appear to be “out of the ordinary” for a college student; the problem was they were for me; I was not displaying who I was or wanted to be, but I did not really know how to “fix it.” For a while, my friends just thought I was going through a “wild phase,” which made sense because people in my circles began turning 21. It was the perfect cover up. Finally, I reached out to a few sisters/friends and told them what was going on. They were so good to me and walked beside me, almost literally picking me up off the ground from time to time. My sweet grandlittle would come over when I would tell her I was having a bad day and would offer cuddles and support. My best friends saw me through some really dark times. When I finally opened up to my mentor and Bible study, they were so supportive; they prayed with me, talked with me, and loved me through my worst.

Even though I gained support from those closest to me as soon as I reached out, my lifestyle did not change much because I was still missing something…and that was Jesus. Because I was so angry with Him for taking my grandfather unexpectedly, I really did not let Him in on how I was feeling; I had put a wall up there. I continued to be wild for the rest of the semester; my friends always being there to pick up the pieces. They were amazing and wonderful and did the best they could, but it was not going to get better until I had a heart change. I needed Jesus.

I finished the semester academically strong, but spiritually weak. I did not really know who I was anymore. When I went home for the summer, I was honestly just thankful that I had survived the semester and would get to be with my family.

 At first, when I was home, I still was not seeking Jesus; I was trying to do my own thing, but God was definitely working on my heart. I started working at a summer camp and I did not expect to make friends with my coworkers; I thought we would be friendly while working together and that would be it. Thank goodness I was wrong. I still keep in touch with a few, and there is one in particular that I have remained very good friends with. I believe that God puts people in your life for a reason, and He was very intentional when He put this sweet friend there. When I first met her, I knew we would instantly be friends. She was so positive and joyful and that was something I really needed in my life, and really aspired to be. There are two very important things she and I have in common: 1) She is a teacher and I am a future teacher 2) We both love Jesus. We worked together all summer long and started hanging out. Towards the end of the summer, we had developed a deeper relationship that allowed us to be vulnerable with one another. We began talking about Jesus and our different struggles. Even though I live in Texas during the school year and she lives in Arkansas, we still talk to each other regularly and send Bible verses and encouraging messages (thank goodness for technology)! Jesus knew what he was doing when He put her in my life back in May.

The Present

As I came back to school and reflected back on the past semester and summer, I decided that I was ready to make some changes in my life. I was going to love people better, be kinder, more joyful, more content, and more vulnerable, but I could not do that on my own. I finally realized that I needed Jesus to do all of these things. Before, I halfheartedly spent time with Jesus once a week at Bible Study, but I decided to finally be all-in for the first time since the beginning of my sophomore year of college. Now, I strive to spend time with Jesus every day, reading God’s Word and reflecting on it. I am also reading this really awesome book called Not A Fan that my wonderful summer camp friend told me to read. Although it is not perfect and I constantly deal with the guilt and shame of the past (something I am really working through right now), I know that the Big Man Upstairs loves me unconditionally and that is really comforting. Spending time with Jesus regularly has already made a huge impact on my life as I am more positive, way less stressed, and am able to really love people again. There are still pieces of me that are broken and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my grandfather and ask God, “Why?,” but I am in a much better place than I was in just a few months ago. As Kyle Idleman, author of Not a Fan said, “my master can take the pieces of your life and turn them into a beautiful mosaic,” and that is what I feel like Christ is doing with me right now.

What the Future Holds

As for my future plans, I graduate in May, and my current plan is to teach somewhere in Fort Worth or near the area, but God’s got this, so we shall see. That’s where I am right now, so stay tuned!

Yours Truly,

Steph