21

A few months ago, I finally celebrated the day I had been waiting for the majority of my college career. To me, 21 meant that I could (finally) go to all of the nice bars in Fort Worth, attend Happy Hour and Brunch, and it would be wonderful! The majority of my friends turned 21 before me, so the last couple months of being 20 seemed to drag on.  Well, friends, I made it, and now that I have been 21 for a little while, I want to share with you 21 things I have learned.

Reality

1.     It is not as glamorous as you think.

      I’m sorry if I just burst your bubble by saying that, but it’s true. Yes, going to the bars is fun every once in a while, and 21 has some perks, but it is not all fun and games. There’s more responsibility, it gets expensive, and life starts getting real.

2.     Happy Hour rocks.

       Anyone who knows me knows I am not much of a night person, however, I am almost always down for Happy Hour. It is a great time with good friends, and if you find the right place, it can be really inexpensive.

3.     So does Brunch.

        That brings me to my next point. I love brunch. The food is incredible, the company is grand, and the mimosas rock. Another real perk of being 21.

4.     There is a newfound maturity about 21.

       When I came back to TCU for the new semester, I was amazed by how much everyone had grown up over the summer. Everyone has this new quiet maturity about them that is hard to explain; you just have to experience it.

5.     Real life begins rapidly approaching.

        Graduation is in just seven short months. Seven. In seven months I will not have the comfort of college to fall back on. I will be a real life adult who has to pay her own bills all by herself. As great as college is at preparing us for our careers, it is not real life. For nearly four years now, I have been in the wonderful bubble called TCU with a great support system. Most of the time my biggest stressors have been my next project or test. Very soon, it will be real life adulty things like bills and my real life job. When you turn 21, these are things you generally start preparing for and thinking about, and let me tell you it can be scary.

6.     Adulting is hard.

        Although I would not quite consider myself a full-blown adult yet as I am still enjoying my last year in college, I am having to do way more adult things than I have had to in the past, such as attend professional development for teaching (yay)!, schedule, pay for, take, and pass certification exams, attend career fairs, make sure my resume is up to date, schedule all of my necessary appointments, and be a master of time management. I’m still working on the art of adulting.

7.     Sometimes you are the adultiest adult in the room.

        I have looked around more than once for an adult, then realized that would be me. It can be terrifying, but also really exciting.

8.     People look up to you.

       Gone are the days of being a little baby freshman, a naïve sophomore, or a junior that thinks she has it all together. I am now 21 and a senior; one of the oldest undergrads on campus. Not only do younger college students look up to me, ask me for advice about life, college, how to survive the junior block in College of Ed, etc., but the kids I nanny/chauffeur (now in 9^th and 7^th grade), the third graders I get to spend Tuesdays with at my internship, and my younger cousins also look up to me. So many people are watching me, the way I live my life, what my perspectives are, how I deal with different challenges thrown my way, and more. This fact encourages me to set a positive example for those around me. I am constantly asking myself, “what example am I setting? What legacy am I leaving?” Although this can feel like a lot of pressure sometimes, as I do not have all the answers or “have it all together,” it is also rewarding.

Embrace the Journey

9.     Stay as involved as possible.

       Go to that philanthropy event, participate in intramurals, attend that guest speaker, hang out with those underclassmen, show up to that sisterhood, even if you are busy. Say yes to as many things as you can and enjoy the last little bit of your college career, because before you blink, it will be over.

10.  “Surviving, not thriving,” although a clever saying, is not a way to live life.

       I have heard this mantra since I was a freshman and often catch myself using it when someone asks me how I’m doing. It’s cute and catchy, and sometimes true, however it is not a place to camp out and is certainly not a way to live life. Maya Angelou so beautifully said, “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” May we all strive live like this.

11.  There’s a lot of things I still don’t know.

        When I was 18 and leaving for college for the first time, I thought I knew so much. I am here to tell you three years later, there is so much I do not know, and that is okay! I am learning something new every day and that is what matters.

12.  You have to be okay with the uncertainty of the future.

        I am at that point in my life where people constantly ask me what I am doing after graduation. Well, I am earning a degree in Early Childhood Education so hopefully I will be teaching children in the near future, however, I do not know what the future holds for me, only God knows and I am working on being okay with that.

13.  Quit wishing for tomorrow and embrace today.

        I constantly find myself looking forward to Friday, to the weekend, to the holidays, etc, that I completely miss the beauty of the present. Lately I have been working on living in the now and embracing the current day I have been given.

14.  Life is a beautiful, complicated journey, so enjoy the ride.

        If anyone ever told you life is easy, they were not being honest. It’s messy with a lot of bumps in the road, but it is so worth it if you embrace the journey. “It’s all messy: the hair, the bed, the words, the heart…Life,” –William Leal

Not having it all together and Trusting Jesus.

15.  I still get overwhelmed.

        Sometimes, school and projects and deadlines and expectations and appointments all seem to pile up and I find myself stressed and overwhelmed, (I dramatically exclaimed that I was dropping out just this week…don’t worry…I’m not), but I can rest in the simple fact that “no one has it all figured out.”

16.  I still need my mom.

        Even though I love to tell my mom that I’m a “grown up,” the truth is, I still need her. Whether I need to know how to do something or just need to talk for a few minutes, she is there. Honestly, moms are the best.

17.  I need community.

        I have survived (and mostly thrived in) college thanks to community. Without the support of my amazing friends, I could not have done it. They have been there for me at my best moments and at the lowest of the lows.

18.  I need Jesus (more than ever).

        I went through a period of time when I thought I could do this crazy thing called college all on my own. I was so wrong. I need Jesus, always have, always will. He relieves my stress when I’m worrying about the future; He picks me up when I fall; He brings me joy through my sorrow; He gives me grace when I deserve it the least.

19.  I am enough, and so are you.

       I fall into the trap of the comparison game all the time, telling myself I’m not as smart, talented, pretty, etc as another person. That is so not true. I have to remind myself that I am smart enough. I am pretty enough. I am kind enough. I am talented enough. I am enough, and I am unconditionally loved by the King of all Kings. If you fall into this trap of comparison, I urge you to say these things to yourself, and remember: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” –The Help

20.  Jesus loves me unconditionally (still).

       In my previous blog post, I talked about doing some things I’m not proud of through my time of grief and going through a very dark period in my life. Sometimes it is challenging for me to let go of the guilt of the past and recognize that Jesus still loves me because I was saved by grace rather than anything I have done. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast.” I thank God everyday for continuing to love me.

21.  There is a plan for my life. I just need to trust it.

        If you know me well, you know that I am a planner. I like to have things all figured out. Right now I am at a time when I am preparing for my future career, knowing the direction I have mapped out for myself, but realizing that God has a plan for my life that is greater than my own, and I just need to trust Him. During this time, I am clinging to these two verses to remind myself to place my faith in Jesus rather than myself. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a future and a hope.” Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Cheers to the rest of 21!

Yours Truly,

Steph

The Adventures of Steph's Simple Life: Broken and Beautiful

The Adventures of Steph's Simple Life: Broken and Beautiful

Broken and Beautiful

Hey Friends! It’s hard to believe that it has been almost a full year since I have written, so bear with me as I summarize the past eleven months and give an update on where I am right now. Currently, I am about halfway through the fall semester of my senior year of college, which is equal parts exciting and terrifying as I begin student teaching in January and will (hopefully) be a real life teacher this time next year, but more on that in a bit.

Before I dive into where I am now and what I think my plans are moving forward, I want to share with you some things that took place over the past eleven months. Honestly, it has probably been the rockiest year of my life. 

Rewind

On December 1, 2015 at around 10:00 PM I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my grandpa was on the way to the hospital after having what they thought was a minor heart attack. She reassured me that he would be fine and she just wanted me to know, so I went to bed. The next morning, my phone just so happened to be on vibrate (it is usually completely silenced, especially when I am sleeping) and it rang at 7 AM. My heart stopped. My grandpa suffered a massive heart attack at the hospital and had not made it. I hit the floor, sobbing, confused, angry. How could this happen? He was only 66 and still had a 15-year-old daughter at home. He was healthy. How could God do this to us? I pulled myself together and went to my 8 AM class, then to my 12 PM class, then nannied. I finished out my week as normally as possible, attended the funeral, and tried to be strong. There were two weeks left in the semester, so I just went about my daily life as normal, took my finals, and maintained my hard-earned GPA. When I went home for Christmas break, I had this weird misconception that I had to be strong for everyone else around me, therefore I did not really allow myself to grieve my grandfather’s death…until I came back to school in January.

My Junior spring semester proved to be much more challenging than I had expected and I was dealing with an inexplicable sadness. Honestly I was terrible at dealing with big emotions. I have always been good at being happy, mad, annoyed, etc., but I had never really dealt with the heart stopping, breath-catching constant devastation, and for lack of a better phrase, ended up being a “shit show” that semester. I was mad at God, would not admit to myself that something was off, and did not talk to anyone about my feelings for the longest time, so I started partying like never before. All I was doing was masking the pain by trying to “have fun.” No one really thought much of it at first because I showed up to class, was performing well academically, and my actions did not really appear to be “out of the ordinary” for a college student; the problem was they were for me; I was not displaying who I was or wanted to be, but I did not really know how to “fix it.” For a while, my friends just thought I was going through a “wild phase,” which made sense because people in my circles began turning 21. It was the perfect cover up. Finally, I reached out to a few sisters/friends and told them what was going on. They were so good to me and walked beside me, almost literally picking me up off the ground from time to time. My sweet grandlittle would come over when I would tell her I was having a bad day and would offer cuddles and support. My best friends saw me through some really dark times. When I finally opened up to my mentor and Bible study, they were so supportive; they prayed with me, talked with me, and loved me through my worst.

Even though I gained support from those closest to me as soon as I reached out, my lifestyle did not change much because I was still missing something…and that was Jesus. Because I was so angry with Him for taking my grandfather unexpectedly, I really did not let Him in on how I was feeling; I had put a wall up there. I continued to be wild for the rest of the semester; my friends always being there to pick up the pieces. They were amazing and wonderful and did the best they could, but it was not going to get better until I had a heart change. I needed Jesus.

I finished the semester academically strong, but spiritually weak. I did not really know who I was anymore. When I went home for the summer, I was honestly just thankful that I had survived the semester and would get to be with my family.

 At first, when I was home, I still was not seeking Jesus; I was trying to do my own thing, but God was definitely working on my heart. I started working at a summer camp and I did not expect to make friends with my coworkers; I thought we would be friendly while working together and that would be it. Thank goodness I was wrong. I still keep in touch with a few, and there is one in particular that I have remained very good friends with. I believe that God puts people in your life for a reason, and He was very intentional when He put this sweet friend there. When I first met her, I knew we would instantly be friends. She was so positive and joyful and that was something I really needed in my life, and really aspired to be. There are two very important things she and I have in common: 1) She is a teacher and I am a future teacher 2) We both love Jesus. We worked together all summer long and started hanging out. Towards the end of the summer, we had developed a deeper relationship that allowed us to be vulnerable with one another. We began talking about Jesus and our different struggles. Even though I live in Texas during the school year and she lives in Arkansas, we still talk to each other regularly and send Bible verses and encouraging messages (thank goodness for technology)! Jesus knew what he was doing when He put her in my life back in May.

The Present

As I came back to school and reflected back on the past semester and summer, I decided that I was ready to make some changes in my life. I was going to love people better, be kinder, more joyful, more content, and more vulnerable, but I could not do that on my own. I finally realized that I needed Jesus to do all of these things. Before, I halfheartedly spent time with Jesus once a week at Bible Study, but I decided to finally be all-in for the first time since the beginning of my sophomore year of college. Now, I strive to spend time with Jesus every day, reading God’s Word and reflecting on it. I am also reading this really awesome book called Not A Fan that my wonderful summer camp friend told me to read. Although it is not perfect and I constantly deal with the guilt and shame of the past (something I am really working through right now), I know that the Big Man Upstairs loves me unconditionally and that is really comforting. Spending time with Jesus regularly has already made a huge impact on my life as I am more positive, way less stressed, and am able to really love people again. There are still pieces of me that are broken and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my grandfather and ask God, “Why?,” but I am in a much better place than I was in just a few months ago. As Kyle Idleman, author of Not a Fan said, “my master can take the pieces of your life and turn them into a beautiful mosaic,” and that is what I feel like Christ is doing with me right now.

What the Future Holds

As for my future plans, I graduate in May, and my current plan is to teach somewhere in Fort Worth or near the area, but God’s got this, so we shall see. That’s where I am right now, so stay tuned!

Yours Truly,

Steph